Acceptance & Forgiveness

It is wierd how I can ever bring myself to accept and forgive. Afterall, it was a very hard period in our lives when we had to go through so much in so little time.

The night I stormed off during my mother-in-law's wake, I was totally devastated with Du and the fact that he did little to help assauge my feelings of anger, fear and abandonment. That night, I was devastated enough to want to end my life. Looking back it seems silly, but at that point in time, all rational thinking was out of the window and I just couldn't cope with the pressure. And I hated Du for not calling or even trying to check if something had happened to me. Even one phone call could have made me feel better. But he didn't.

Actually, the only reason why I didn't kill myself in the end was because I realised that I will have more to lose than him. Perhaps he wouldn't even care at all, because being with a dead person (his mom) meant more than making sure he will not lose me. In other words, no matter what he says, I know his mother will always be more important than me.

Although he has started paying a lot more attention to me and putting more effort in making me feel more comfortable, things will never be the same again. At least for now, I have grown to accept this fact and learn to grow around it. And as I mature within this relationship, I start to learn about forgiveness. Certainly the hatred doesn't sit within me like leeches do now. Perhaps it was cremated along with my mother-in-law and it will always lay there.

Or maybe this is what they call unconditional love. I guess it is the same in every relationship, that when you start to give unconditional love, is when you start enjoying the relationship with less pressure. And I do hope that we can always maintain this attitude with each other. I don't know, perhaps only time can tell.

Going through a rough patch

I thought last year was challenging enough. We found out that my mother's cancer had spread to her lungs and she has to start chemotheraphy, situation was not optimistic. Pearline was pregnant again and our second daughter Kierra was dued in Oct. I have just started a new career as a landbanking consultant. Meanwhile, the new commander of my reservist unit is so kiasu that he called us in for 1 high key and 2 low key in-camp, a total of 40 days! On top of all this, my upstairs neighbour moved in and the renovation works caused a leak in my kitchen and master bedroom and resulted in a crack on the walls of all my rooms.

I thought that was tough, trying my best to juggle my role as a son, a husband, a father, a ns-man, a not so happy neighbour of a leaking house and also a "greeny" landbanking consultant trying to earn enough to feed the family. It was ... until the we had to go through the last few months.

The year started well. I was finally promoted to a team manager, six months later than my initial plan. I thought it wasn't so bad, considering the unforeseen circumstances. Things should start to improve finally. Mum's condition had also more or less stabilized. Kieona will start her play school which means Pearline will have some rest and also spend more time with Kierra. I was optimistic that things were going to get better from that point. Meanwhile, Eugene offered to introduce me to the father who is trustee for his brother's wealth (Quite a budding Singer/composer). Pearline and I also sat down to list down and review our goals going forward. We decided that a maid would be able to give us more time to be more focus on the more important areas. To our delight, a colleague of mine has just book one and we leverage on his research on the maid agency and went ahead to book a maid too.

Then it struck, started with Pearline having tummy ache in the middle of the night. We had to rush to a A&E. Apparently indigestion. First day of CNY, Kieona had food poisoning from steamboat the nite before. Same A&E, same doctor. After that, Kieona succumbed to a flu virus she caught from school. Me and Pearline got that eventually and worst of all Kierra too. Pearline's grandfather passed away on the 5th day of CNY. I can understand that Pearline wants to be at the funeral as much as possible and I tried to be there for her. Meanwhile the kid's condition didn't improve much especially when weather was really bad for the whole month of Feb. Mum's condition got worst, the scan shows that the cancer is growing again and because of her heart condition, she cannot be put on the same chemo drugs as before. The funeral lasted 5 days. Despite, not spending our nites there because of the kids, we were exhausted because we do not get much sleep when the kids are sick.

It was a sunday, finally the day to meet Eugene's father. I was hopeful that if I can convince the old man, the sales amount can be big, maybe even up to 200k. I needed it badly because with the festive season of Christmas, New Year and CNY, I have not got any sale since Dec. As Murphy would have it, Pearline grandmother passed away that morning. I know Pearline sensed that I really wanted to go and anyway we could not have helped much until later the day. So, we went ahead with the visit anyway and I promise to end it earlier. Unfortunately, when you are desperate for a sale, it is hard to keep time. She had to cut me short and it was a fruitless visit afterall. I know she was unhappy about it and she had all the reason to be.

The funeral went on for 5days and when it was all over, so was Feb. No sales for 2 months now which means no income. The maid finally arrived. We thought things should get easier. Before you know it, Pearline sprained her ankle 3 days after the maid arrived and couldn't walk for the next 3 weeks. Meanwhile, mum's condition started to get worse. She started to go into depression and threatens to kill herself. Pearline also started to get nightmares. The maid told us she dreamt of "orang mati". I was desperate to want to get something right, everything was falling apart. Meanwhile, the kids continued to pass their viruses around. I only went to do my part in a recruitment fair as far as work is concerned. No sales, no income still. Mum attempted suicide in Mar, drank some bleach. She was hospitalised but discharged after a few days. Her condition got worse, I had to hold a urgent meeting with my brother and my father to make things right. Unbelievably, father is still not offering to stay at home with mum. His money losing factory seems more important. It was crazy! I started a roster that everyone at least stay for a day and also arrange for 2 relative to help in cooking. Meanwhile, Pearline was also going into serious depression.

At that point in time, I got a recommendation from 4th uncle for his psychiatrist and decided to bring mum and Pearline to see him. At that point, I decided family is above work and so work can wait. That thinking gave me some reprieve. Even that, it wasn't easy. Based on the roster, I stay with mum for one to two days a week. During those few days, she would hold my hand and ask me if I can stay a little later or overnight. It was hard to reject her but I always end up telling her that I had to go back to take care of my family too.

At the same time, I had a plan. The plan was to relocate mum to a condo unit next to my aunt's. That way, she can recuperate faster. I really wanted this plan to work, so that I can spend more time with Pearline and the kids. The faster the plan goes, the faster the result I want. I had to drive it myself as sis, bro and father are offering little help. Of course, that means more time spent. I knew Pearline and the girls needed me to spend more time with them and that was what I was working towards. I also got sis to go book a maid too. Although I ended up having to do the initial liasing and interviewing of maid too.

The move finally happened on a sunday despite a couple of screw ups. Sis and bro were unbelievably disorganised. I thought that once the maid arrives, things would get better. I was hopeful. I also got mum a new wheelchair so that it would be easier to get around.

It was the following wednesday, I was to bring mum to her appointment with the oncologist and the psychiatrist. It is also the last day I spent with her. After seeing the oncologist, he prescribed a medicine that is usually used by asthma patient but requires a nebulizer. As mum as feeling breathless most times, he also recommended to get a oxygen concentrator instead of the oxygen tank that I got for her the week before. I made a few calls and found out that the rental shop had both items but they are at different location. One in SGH and the other in Balestier. As we had 2 hours to the next appointment, I rushed down to SGH to get the concentrator which weights a good 40 kg and looks like a small fridge. As the carpark was far away, I had to walk quite a distance from my car to the shop. Meanwhile, mum and aunt stayed in the car. When I finally got back to the car and drove to the driveway to get the concentrator, aunt started to say that mum was not feeling well and better to go home. I was peeved. I remember driving and rising my voice to the 2 old ladies that, if going home can make mum feel better, the would be no need to see a doctor. Finally, they agreed to go see the psychiatrist and I turned in to Orchard road just nice to Mt.E. All went well and mum's breathlessness reduced dramatically after taking a pill from the pyschiatrist. We made our way back and dropped by Balestier to pick up the nebulizer. By the time we got back to the condo, it was already almost 7pm. That same day, Pearline's father was to fly to Pakistan and she brought the girls to send him off. I had planned to go fetch them from the airport but the day's event overran me. Pearline was angry with me again and refused to take my call but I really couldn't help it. I was very worried. It all had to happen on that same day. As always, mum would hug me and ask me to stay longer but that day after setting up the concentrator and the nebulizer and explaining the procedures to aunty, I left and rushed all the way to the airport. I prayed that all would be ok and curse Murphy. Luckily, they had gone home safely by cab. It was another day past and I counted my blessing.

3 days later, while I was attending my first company seminar in 5 months, sis called and said mum was not waking up. I rushed down from the office, even mounted a curb in the carpark on the way out.

I was still driving along thomson road and planned to cut into PIE. Then I received a call from Pearline. The maid had gone missing in Toa Payoh Central. I heart sank. I know that means that Pearline needed me then and without thinking much, I turned into Toa Payoh instead. We search for an hour but still couldn't find the maid. I was desperate and never in my life had I felt worst. I had to ask Pearline to get her sis to come help because I really had to go, we were waiting when her aunty past by and offered help. I rushed down to the condo but was too late. Mum had been sent for ambalment.

The funeral lasted for 5 days and I took over the reign. I am not sure how things would be like if I had not done so but I was not about to take chances with that. Daily, I still worried if Pearline and the kids were doing ok because I could not be with them. I called my in-laws to ask them to help with looking after them when I am away. The day when Pearline stormed off was the last night of the wake. Frankly speaking, I was not never embarassed. I was only worried. I had wanted to at least send them home before the prayers but somehow, there were just events that led to delays and father had to come to the car and ask me why I was leaving and prayers are to start soon. I knew all that gave Pearline a lot of pressure and I can understand how she felt but I really did not know what to do anymore. That night at least, I needed to stay by my mum. Just one last night. I am glad again that nothing bad happened.

Mum's funeral ended the roughest patch in my life thus far. I now understand the answer to the riddle "If your mother and your wife is drowning in the water, who would you safe first?" As far as I am concerned, there is only one answer, that is I will still try my best to save both, even if it means killing myself doing it. Never try, never know, we will keep trying and pray for a miracle.

Coping with the Deaths of Three Loved Ones

Call it plain unlucky, or you can see it as elephant dung (ref to Ven. Ajahn Bhram's talk about Happiness), or just Murphy hard at work in our family.

Whatever it is, it really hasn't been very easy for our family to suddenly grapple with the demise of three loved ones in a short period of 4 months. I suddenly lost my maternal grandparents whom I grew up with, in a matter of just 2 weeks. Thoughts about it still bring tears to my eyes, although I am finally struggling free of the pain. Just while I was still trying to get over their very sudden departures and coping with being a new employer of an Indonesian maid, my mother-in-law also passed away.

Although none of us care to admit it, I do think that it did cause quite a rift in our relationship. Basically when my grandparents passed away, Du wasn't very much around with me. Sometimes it was just Ya and me at the funeral because he was busy sending his mom to a doctor (and that can be almost the whole day). Kieona will be in school as I didn't want her to skip lessons too much.

Especially with my grandma's death. We were late to go back for the rites because he was talking to a friend. I felt that it was a matter of respect and I really wanted to be at least there to see my grandma's body put into the coffin. Needless to say, I am still a little bit peeved thinking about it now as it kept reaffirming my beliefs that he doesn't care very much about my feelings and that he would deal with things differently if it was his own side of the family.

With his mom's departure, Du was different. He was very much involved in every aspect. Of course I can't blame him much since that was his mother. He explained that none of his siblings could have helped as they are not up to the task. I guess it is a matter of perspective. I almost couldn't cope too and was really on the brink of becoming a nervous wreck as I had to keep looking out for Na, Ya and Aeni (who had just gone missing a few days before).

No one was really there for me, and I felt so alone - even when I went back with the kids and Aeni to sleep at night. Thank goodness my parents lent some support in the end. Then again, they did not know how to settle a person who is in depression. The night before my mother-in-law's funeral, I blew up big time. Thinking about it, I feel a little bad that I had to choose that time since Du probably felt embarrassed with relatives in sight. It's a good thing though that I have finally come to accept that it wasn't my fault and most people would have blown up anyway. Perhaps that is a way of letting go of my pent up emotions and forgiving myself enough to finally get out of depression.

Now that a few months have passed, things are finally getting better. I guess it helps that he has become a little more sensitive to the family's needs, and that he tries to listen a little more. Maybe it also helps that I am finally able to stop resenting him for spending expansive amounts of time away from us.

So glad this is working out

Wow!! Can't believe that I actually convince Du to contribute to this blog. Well, it's our blog and I am happy that he has put in the effort. It's our blog afterall and I don't want to be the only one wishing this to work out.

This is just one of those little things that he'll do for me as my husband (my lover?). I guess this is what makes me love him all the more, and reinforces my faith in having a lasting marriage.

A lucky guy ... I am

I grew up with very low self esteem. I still remember in my teenage days feeling so nervous just talking to the banker over the counter. It is tough talking to a stranger and it of course never crossed my mind that I can ever ask a girl out. Moreover, I was fat and really not that bright in school, who would go out with someone like me, I always thought. As it was, dating was just a fantasy.

It was after 2 and a half years of national service that my life started to turn around. I decided I would be a different me and I did just that. I participated in more activities, know more people. More than all the 20 years of my life before that added together. It is also in those few years that I achieved the most, in sports and in school. I led the archery team at one point and also graduated with top honors in my class.

Despite all that, I remained unattached. The rational side of me told me to focus on the things that matter. The truth however which I only realised later is that despite the all the achievement, I was still not ready for a relationship. I was just avoiding what I was still uncomfortable with.

I started work at a business consulting firm and got the job that most of my peers would deem as the dream job. High pay, get to travel ...etc. Long hours was the norm and their is hardly anytime left for anything else in life.

At some point it did seem that I would remain single for a long time to come. However, I am a lucky guy. I am lucky to have known Pearline as a junior in the archery club, I am lucky to have been on a project in Germany when she was working at a German company in Singapore, I am lucky that she remembered me, I am lucky that I emailed her and she replied, I am lucky that she had time to go out with me during my fly backs from Germany, I am lucky that there is sms to help us keep in touch daily, I am lucky that she agreed to be my girlfriend and stayed by me, I am lucky that she sees the gem in me that I am not confident enought to acknowledge and I am lucky that she is now my wife. I am indeed a lucky man.

Never had much faith in marriage

Actually I think sometimes our union is a little bit strange. Nothing to do with Du, but more with myself. I've always been pretty skeptical about marriages until we got together. In fact, my past philosophy was that I prefer to enjoy a relationship only in its present state, and have no belief that any relationships can last the test of time.

Perhaps this attitude is very much influenced by the fact that I have seen too many marriages break up from my father's family. So many cases of divorce and extramarital affairs. Nothing seems to last. Even my parents at one point were on the verge of break-up. At that time when my mother discussed with me whether they should get a divorce (I think I was in my late teens and in Uni), I was nonchalent about it and told her that my frank opinion is that I will give her my blessings. And she has a right to decide for herself. Well, at that time it never mattered to me. Everyone else was getting divorced at some point.

During college days, I had a lot of guys who were pretty much interested in starting relationships with me, but I was only interested in the highs I get from the adoration. Of course, I earned the reputation of having many "boyfriends". Actually they were never really my "boyfriends", although I shared pretty special friendships with many guys simply because I love their company, their adoration, and their forthrightness compared to many of my other girlfriends. Ok, I admit at some point I had hurt a lot of male egos but that was all in the past where such things never bothered me.

After I got to know Du, my whole outlook on relationships slowly changed. Actually at the point I was also looking for companions. Although I had a few keen suitors where I worked, they were mainly Caucasions and many were on working stints in Singapore residents. I enjoyed the attention, but craved more for a stable relationship. I wasn't sure if having relationships with non-Chinese will be easy, and I didn't like the idea of explaining everything to a "angmoh". In fact, shortly after we started going out, I told him that if we do not find each other suitable within a year, I'll want to move on... since I had a deadline for relationships myself. Thinking back, it was kinda silly, but I guess I was just being very rational and I knew just what I wanted.

Once our relationship became more stable, I was looking forward to his flights back once every 3 months. So I was not exactly the kind who believe in absense makes the heart grows fonder. I wanted to see him everyday. His attitude towards our relationship changed how I see things. He treated me seriously and with respect. For once, I was seeing somebody who loves me for who I am and wants to settle down with me so soon after we started going out. Many men I knew were more interested in my body. I know, because they always said I had a good figure, and some always seem to strip me with their eyes.

Although we've only been together for 6 years and married for 5, I am starting to believe that this relationship will and can last, as long as we work together.

How It All Started

We got to know each other at University when we both joined the same ECA - Archery. As all boring love stories go, we did not become the best of buddies in that one year of friendship. Well, we had little in common. Du was in his final year in his Engineering course while I was just in my "freshman" year at the School of Accountancy & Business. Nothing exciting, as we were never quite attracted by each other. However, my impression of Du was that he does look like Robinhood during training - maybe because of his concentration and stance. Other than that, he just looked like all the other boring Engineering students from his faculty.

Needless to say, we saw little of each other after that year, as he had graduated and I continued my course as well as my partying days. :)

Call it fate. We kinda met again during an Archery gathering and exchanged namecards. He was outstation in Germany and I had joined a German business solutions company. As we were both from the IT industry, there were some things to talk about and we emailed each other every once in a while. Of course, the emails became more and more frequent. Maybe because it was boring staying all alone in Germany, and maybe because there were few people from my school days whom I could relate to about work. Slowly, we moved on to sending phone messages and instant messaging through the Yahoo medium. Talk about technology being instrumental in our relationship. :P

Soon, we were meeting up whenever he comes back to Singapore (which was once every 3 or 4 months), and it all started after we attended a musical (Riverdance) together in end of 2000. Come to think of it, it's been more than 6 years!!! And I still thank my lucky stars each time I think of how we got together. It would never had been possible, if it were not for my guardian angels. And I still love him very much despite our occasional quarrels and conflicts of opinions.