Coping with the Deaths of Three Loved Ones

Call it plain unlucky, or you can see it as elephant dung (ref to Ven. Ajahn Bhram's talk about Happiness), or just Murphy hard at work in our family.

Whatever it is, it really hasn't been very easy for our family to suddenly grapple with the demise of three loved ones in a short period of 4 months. I suddenly lost my maternal grandparents whom I grew up with, in a matter of just 2 weeks. Thoughts about it still bring tears to my eyes, although I am finally struggling free of the pain. Just while I was still trying to get over their very sudden departures and coping with being a new employer of an Indonesian maid, my mother-in-law also passed away.

Although none of us care to admit it, I do think that it did cause quite a rift in our relationship. Basically when my grandparents passed away, Du wasn't very much around with me. Sometimes it was just Ya and me at the funeral because he was busy sending his mom to a doctor (and that can be almost the whole day). Kieona will be in school as I didn't want her to skip lessons too much.

Especially with my grandma's death. We were late to go back for the rites because he was talking to a friend. I felt that it was a matter of respect and I really wanted to be at least there to see my grandma's body put into the coffin. Needless to say, I am still a little bit peeved thinking about it now as it kept reaffirming my beliefs that he doesn't care very much about my feelings and that he would deal with things differently if it was his own side of the family.

With his mom's departure, Du was different. He was very much involved in every aspect. Of course I can't blame him much since that was his mother. He explained that none of his siblings could have helped as they are not up to the task. I guess it is a matter of perspective. I almost couldn't cope too and was really on the brink of becoming a nervous wreck as I had to keep looking out for Na, Ya and Aeni (who had just gone missing a few days before).

No one was really there for me, and I felt so alone - even when I went back with the kids and Aeni to sleep at night. Thank goodness my parents lent some support in the end. Then again, they did not know how to settle a person who is in depression. The night before my mother-in-law's funeral, I blew up big time. Thinking about it, I feel a little bad that I had to choose that time since Du probably felt embarrassed with relatives in sight. It's a good thing though that I have finally come to accept that it wasn't my fault and most people would have blown up anyway. Perhaps that is a way of letting go of my pent up emotions and forgiving myself enough to finally get out of depression.

Now that a few months have passed, things are finally getting better. I guess it helps that he has become a little more sensitive to the family's needs, and that he tries to listen a little more. Maybe it also helps that I am finally able to stop resenting him for spending expansive amounts of time away from us.