Acceptance & Forgiveness

It is wierd how I can ever bring myself to accept and forgive. Afterall, it was a very hard period in our lives when we had to go through so much in so little time.

The night I stormed off during my mother-in-law's wake, I was totally devastated with Du and the fact that he did little to help assauge my feelings of anger, fear and abandonment. That night, I was devastated enough to want to end my life. Looking back it seems silly, but at that point in time, all rational thinking was out of the window and I just couldn't cope with the pressure. And I hated Du for not calling or even trying to check if something had happened to me. Even one phone call could have made me feel better. But he didn't.

Actually, the only reason why I didn't kill myself in the end was because I realised that I will have more to lose than him. Perhaps he wouldn't even care at all, because being with a dead person (his mom) meant more than making sure he will not lose me. In other words, no matter what he says, I know his mother will always be more important than me.

Although he has started paying a lot more attention to me and putting more effort in making me feel more comfortable, things will never be the same again. At least for now, I have grown to accept this fact and learn to grow around it. And as I mature within this relationship, I start to learn about forgiveness. Certainly the hatred doesn't sit within me like leeches do now. Perhaps it was cremated along with my mother-in-law and it will always lay there.

Or maybe this is what they call unconditional love. I guess it is the same in every relationship, that when you start to give unconditional love, is when you start enjoying the relationship with less pressure. And I do hope that we can always maintain this attitude with each other. I don't know, perhaps only time can tell.