Tired, but happy

It has been a great busy month for us all at home. These two weeks, Du was saddled with the task of delivering like more than 60 boxes of mooncakes to his clients. Mommy had just ended a one-day roadshow a few weeks ago (it's our first, under Baby Slings And Carriers), and also ran a flea market stall just last Sunday. Kieona had started her modelling class just last week. Gee! We really had been busy.

Despite that and the fact that I haven't had enough sleep in days - I seem always tired since the roadshow (no idea why), I went along with Daddy on one of two of his mooncakes delivery trips. We haven't really been spending much time together (he says he's busy earning $) and other than sending the girls for classes, we haven't talked much. So it was a pretty enjoyable task rushing around to different clients' house. I'm glad we got to spend some time together - just the two of us - even though it was a mad rush and I really yearned to be home to tuck the girls into bed..... I'm not sure about him though....;)

No Sleep for Three Nights In a Row

Two weeks ago while attending Du's training session at his office, I caught a nasty cough - one which tested my patience, and my endurance.

It got worse over that weekend and was a sinus related problem, which saw me suffering from a bad blocked nose especially at night. The cough was caused by the itch that irritated my throat. It was terrible, and on Monday I had to give the clinic a visit as I could not afford to get ill with Kierra starting school the same week. A couple of days later, I was feeling much better but Du got worse, but he did not bother seeing the doctor and so he was coughing a lot more. Somehow, as I never fully recovered from it, I caught another version of probably the same thing. We decided that we should really see a doctor before it gets any worse, since both girls were still fine and we didn't want to risk them getting it.

Unfortunately, Du probably has done enough harm by not seeing a doctor early to clear it. Kieona caught it and showed symptoms of breathlessness from last Wednesday. It developed into mild cough on Thursday night/ Friday morning. It being Good Friday, we could not get a doctor so we chose to rent some videos and stayed home most of the day to watch them. Friday night itself, it got worse and she was waking up to cough or pass urine. As I was on the alert, I could not sleep much and kept alert throughout the night while lying down in bed. The next day, I was nevertheless tired, but I took heart that she can pay the clinic a visit that morning and get some relief in the form of medication.

Saturday came and went, and she fell asleep while we were out at Du's uncle's birthday celebrations. By this time she probably got worse, so that night after we settled in bed I was literally getting out of bed every half an hour to let her take sips of water and bringing her to the toilet. My mood naturally was not in the pink of health on Sunday, as I had already missed two nights of sleep but I was still manageable as we stayed home for the day. Came night and I was really tired, falling asleep on the bed even while the girls were still playing (on the bed of course) and Du was still in the study. As Kieona looked better during the day, I thought that I finally will have a good night's rest to make up for the past two nights.

Alas! She woke up frequently for toilet breaks, although the cough was minimal. Then at three plus in the morning, it got to the state where she was asking me to bring her to the loo every five or ten minutes. Needless to say, I am furious. How can anyone not be after putting in so much effort at staying up the past two nights? What's more, she started crying when I told her to go to bed after she insisted on me holding her hands at about 4am.

I was even more furious with Du, as he mentioned a few days ago that all of us don't get to sleep once Kieona is ill. What bullshit! These few nights, he hardly stirred even when Kieona was wasking up so much to take over from me at least one or two times. He did not even ask if I needed help, so where was "the whole family suffers" thingy? Plus the fact that I had to frequently stay alert means that I don't go into deep sleep at all and I have not exactly fully recovered. Which leads me to think that it is probably because of lack of rest that my body was weak enough for the same virus to attack again.

Sometimes I really wonder why he will always explain that I am most important to him when from his actions, I seem second-rate. Why then is he often late in our appointments when he was never late with others? Why then will he leave me alone to deal with the two girls when I was not in the best of my mental health? Why then are we always expected to visit his dad when I hate that place?

Maybe it will take me a lifetime of marriage to find out how much I really mean in this equation. Or maybe just three nights not having much of a rest has affected me enough to think otherwise.

It was a Sweet Flu Bug I Caught

It's a funny title for my post.

Caught the flu bug last week. My, was I a wreck on the Tuesday just passed. Had to wake up real early in the morning and wake and clean the two girls up. Then had to rush them through breakfast so that I could send Kieona to school. Kierra is still two months short of reaching 18 months - the minimum age for starting pre-school. Du had gone off early in the morning for his BNI breakfast meeting. It was unusual, as this was a special combined breakfast for a few chapters. His chapter normally meets on Fridays.

My mood could not be worse, as my head was thumping, the weather was chilly, and I had a stuffy nose and a slight throat irritation. With my sweater on, I was still shivering. No choice, I could not bear to keep Kieona home and so had to send her to school, bringing both Kierra and Aeni with me. Marketing trip was given up while on my way back, as I felt that I may faint any time if I were to carry on. So I came home and breastfed Kierra before hitting for the bed. Head was too heavy and I had no choice but to sms Du. Heavens was kind enough that it so happened he did not have appointments after breakfast, so he could come home after dropping by his office.

This was a real surprise to me, as we had agreed a few days earlier that he should go to office even if he does not have any appointments - at least Mondays to Fridays. Or at least this was the message I got. But nevertheless, this was the sweetest part of the flu. By staying around and helping out, I felt better the next day already.

Thinking back, gifts of love really need not be a lot, nor need it cost a lot, but just by simply being there for me when my body was down made me feel special, and that I was being loved. It definitely was the sweetest flu bug I'd caught - the first time he could really rush back when I was down with flu. And now that I'm well (almost), I can still feel myself bathing in the love. :)

One thing at a time

I generally surprised to see such expression of jealousy from my wife. That goes to show that she loves me a lot. There are times I really worry that her dreams get the better of her. Then again, this time round, perhaps I have not been sensitive enough telling her about other women. Until she mentioned to me the day before, it was merely a sharing of the interesting things that I see each day with her. The sad thing is that the lady in my team seems to be doing much better than the guys. I hard not to praise her really. Crush ... never crossed my mind. I admire smart and independent people that I meet, guys or gals.

Now back to work. My team is only three strong currently. Pretty small and only the sole lady can be independent and productive. The others continues to struggle. With 2006 behind us, I set to build a strong team in 2007. A few of the managers have grouped together to lend strength to each other. I think this is great because individually we all have our weakness. Collectively, we can develop each others team more effectively and efficiently. I am also trying to help my division manager set up some division support structure for consultants and managers, that way, there can be more leverage to grow the team.

I believe that one has to be willing to give before he receives. Of course, all these will take time. Meanwhile, I will still need to do my sales and service the clients. At least until the team is bigger and my clients start cashing out and the recurring sales kick in.

I realised yesterday that I have not been really focus enough in my job. I love to spend time with the family, but not spending enough time on the business results in slow grow and ultimately more time needed at work. I am already seeing some other managers that start together with me pull way ahead of me in sales and team building. It might be better to spend more time focus on getting the business up 1st. That way, I can then spend not just the time with the family but we can also go for our dream holiday (Family trip to Canada) and live the lifestyle we desire. I know I can trust Pearline to keep the home in order. It is really tough on her but I promise I will make it up to her.

He has a lover!

Not really - unless you count what I saw in my dreams.

Well, perhaps I am just being oversensitive, or maybe being at home too much without a career, without looking good has diminished my self-esteem to an absolute zero (or even gone negative). Oh come on, who wouldn't if he/ she has always had good career prospects and was once a rising star in the big bad corporate world. I always prided myself on that and it was always people around me who worry about not having enough time with me, not vice versa. I didn't need anyone and more people needed me than I needed them anyway. Now, what has become of me is a (yellow-faced woman) who is stuck day in and day out with two little imps and an incompetent maid.

Recently Tian Shek has been talking a lot about how great this lady at work is, how capable she is, blah, blah, blah. Not a day goes by without him mentioning her. Do I smell a crush? A couple of times I couldn't help but just asked him if he will stray, not because I lack faith in him, but I just don't trust a man's instincts sometimes and his ways lately really has me bothered. True, he needs to spend more time at work to give us a better life, or even merely to make ends meet; but these days I can hardly see him and it doesn't help either when the kids keep asking for him. :(

Of course, he'll say no and we'll usually make love that night and I'll promptly forget it, until that stupid inferiority complex makes me feel sucked into the big J world again. I know it's being silly worrying about it and I really don't want him to feel bad, that's why I've been keeping my temper and mood in check as much as possible.

Perhaps that's the best policy to keep in mind if we should hold each other until we're old - as we promised. I cross my fingers. :)

Braving depression.... and getting over it

It was tough when I realised I had depression, but I'm sure it was much worse for Tian Shek. Nothing seem to be right and it didn't help that Tian Shek wasn't there very much. Even when my psychiatrist had advised that I need adult company at least for the first 2 weeks, he was away on the 2nd or third day thereafter to look after his mother. No matter how understanding a person can be, I guess unless he had put himself in my skin and walk around it, he would never know how terrible I felt and hwo badly I wanted to end it all.

Now that I have stopped my medication for depression, I finally come to terms that it wasn't myself, and there wasn't very much that could have prevented it, given the circumstances I was put through. I used to blame myself for everything, being the near perfectionist that I was, even when he kept repeating the problems his mom had. Now that I look back, I wonder why he was so preoccupied with talking to me about my mother-in-law and her problems when I was living on the edge all the time, and had more problems on my mind that it only added further stress to me when she was being mentioned like at least half the time when he was home?

Perhaps now that I feel much better, I can finally start reasoning about it, that even my psychiatrist made me feel bad at one point when he mentioned that I will need to be more understanding, but added that it's hard for me at that point. (Hmm, are you trying to say that I am unreasonable?)

I guess a lot has to be learnt by the people around those suffering from depression, that they just need to be there, and also not to "burden" the depressed about problems that are not the depressed person-centric. The depressed person is only at that point concerned about "me, me, ME!".

Now that I believe I am finally able to come clean and say I've abandoned depression, can I truly say that I wasn't unreasonable, that my needs were always simply overlooked by the loved ones in my life, that I did not have any help with a toddler, a newborn, housework, and making ends meet (yes, I was scrimping because he did mention things along the way like how come expenses so much, etc.).

And now I know too, that Tian Shek probably had a lot on his mind then too, and that I should forgive him.... afterall, I know that he still loves me, deeply.

That little thing he did - just by being there

While preparing for dinner a few days ago, it suddenly dawned on me how important it is to treasure the people around us. Sometimes we are too busy, sometimes we just procrastinate, and yet at other times there seem to be other more important things to attend to - until it is all too late. I still cry sometimes to think of how sudden my maternal grandparents passed away, as they had been there when my parents were not able to, and they had watched me more than my parents had when I was a young child, they were at least physically there when I was hurt (never mind how grandma used to beat me for no apparent reason).... and I thought of how Du had been there for me on one of those occasions that I needed someone to rely on.

It is so funny when I think of the time I had to undergo a laporascopy (actually a minor surgery as I had to have 2 minor cuts - one within my belly button and the other near my crotch area) and Du took half a day leave just to be there for me when I get wheeled out of the operating theatre. Come to think of it - it was the first show of how much he really loves me. Even my parents were not there. My mother cannot even remember I told her I had to undergo surgery, but my dad had at least sent me to the hospital as he wasn't working that day. He didn't stay with me because he thought the parking will cost a bomb, but I think he was probably uncomfortable about it.

It was a little embarrassing for me at first, as I had to change into the operation clothes with nothing else underneath.... and he was there with me... well, I was a little bit shy about it though, even though I've never told him about it. Needless to say, I have never told him too how touched I am that he did something like this for me so early on in our relationship. As I nearly fainted while waiting for a cab to get home after the day surgery, it made me feel even more fortunate to have him around. And this is one of those things I try to remember when I get really angry with him, and it almost always make me look at him in a more positive light. I will always remember this little thing he did for me - just by being there. And deep in my mind I know, he'll always be.